*Warning* the following entry is not full of warm fuzzies or cute pictures of the kids. Its a reality check for me and although I do care about myself, Im not going to mince words here and I might even sound a little self loathing. Dont worry....I am doing just fine....but I am severly overweight and I am sick of it so I am going to be honest.I dont like my body. I dont like the way it looks or feels. I dont like looking in the mirror. There was a time when I loved my whole self....( see pic to the left) ...but it sure as heck isnt right now! Thats not to say that I lay in bed crying or dont want to go on living or anything that dramatic. But, I dont like going places because I have nothing to wear. I dont like shopping for things to wear because nothing fits me and I dont like the clothes that do. It's embarrassing. I feel shame when I go out to eat. Here is a huge reality check for you....that I am mortified to even share here.... We went to the movies recently and I left the theater to get popcorn. I passed a couple of girls on my way back with the popcorn (in their late 20's, not teenagers) and as I did they made pig noises at me. I thought I would die...and then I almost slapped them but was able to control myself :) How do you think that would feel?
I know that there are people out there that are OK with being fat. I am not one of those people. At all. And for those out there that say 'I should love myself no matter what'.....or 'I am such a pretty girl even with extra weight'....or that 'weight shouldnt define you'.... I want to say 'Thank You' ...really, thank you for being nice even though I know that when Im not around you are saying "wow, she has put on weight".... Its a natural reaction. Its a human reaction. Unfortunately as a society, we like skinny. Facts are facts. Ive been brought up in this society and I like skinny too. Not deathly skinny or movie star skinny. Healthy skinny. Im not asking to weigh what I did in high school. Heck, Ive birthed 3 children....Im not delirious. I have a weight in mind that by medical standards is still overweight. Oh well. I think it would look really good on me and I think about it everyday!
So, Im a realist, I always have been and the reality is - I AM FAT AND I HATE IT. There I said it....and Im not apologizing for it anymore. I dont think there is anything wrong or unhealthy about me wanting to lose weight or wishing I was thinner. What is wrong with wanting to go shopping in the 'normal sized' stores? I promise I dont HATE myself....just my weight. Unfortunately, along with the weight comes sadness, fatigue, no desire to do anything fun....you get the picture. How is that healthy?
Ok, Im done venting....so what am I going to do about it? I'll tell you....Im going to try again. If you know me at all then you know that I truly have given it a pretty good effort in the past. Lucky me, I was born with a metabolism that takes an act of God to get moving again. Last year I trained for and ran a Half Marathon. (yes that is me...huffing and puffing along!)
That is 13 miles people! I only lost about 14 pounds in the beginning....then, nothing. Now before you go thinking that 14 pounds is a lot of weight, consider the fact that to get to my realistic goal weight ( which is still considered to be heavy) I need to lose about 80 pounds. Yeah, 14 pounds isnt even close. Since the race, I have managed to put all of that and then some back on. Its true that I am under a lot of stress....I get that...and being an emotional eater to the 'Nth' degree, all I have done since that race is eat, eat, eat. But NO MORE!
Here is my epiphany. I was just thinking about last November and although I still had a lot of weight to lose, I felt fantastic!! I had energy...I was eating right, exercising...and emotionally I was charged because I knew I was doing good things.
I want to feel that way again. So, if it takes me 2 years to lose 80 pounds that is OK because in the interim I know that I will feel so much better about myself if I am at least moving in the right direction.
If you're curious how I plan on doing this....I'll share it with you. A friend of mine is a personal trainer. In the beginning of the year she started a "Biggest Loser" competition with some pretty lucrative prizes. I joined wholeheartedly... ready to win the whole thing....and then my life sort of fell apart. Long story short, I dropped out. But, she is doing it again along with the nutritional guidance that the "Live The Life" program provides. It is a program that is easy to follow, has good food, and is balanced! My kind of "Diet"..... So, today I have spent about 3 hours preparing my meals for the week.
5 meals a day for 7 days. All cooked, assembled and packaged...sitting in my fridge. No thinking...no guessing....just grab and eat. I am excited because I know that half of my problem is the nutrition and never knowing what to eat or not having the time to fix it!! I'll probably post here now and then about my progress but you should know that I expect great things from myself. I expect to win it this time....and by that I dont necessarily mean the prize money.... I expect to win the war. Stay tuned :) ... and if you actually read this entire post, thank you for listening!